I woke up but found myself in the same battlefield. My feet heavy and my soul drown into the mad river of my tears. Escape is never the solution so I decided not to sleep and slip into escape until I have the solution. There is no dead end of this emptiness and now I am sure of that so I can not wait for something to happen and lead me to the dead end where I change my path and walk away.
In quest of reality how far have I come. I look behind and all I see are faces lost in illusion with no sense of purpose with no sense of reality with no sense of identity, lost in a pool of denial and absurdity. There is not a single soul with whom I could relate to. I try to run away from them so that I couldn't lose my identity and I try desperately to run behind the soul who appears to be somewhat like me but only to find that it was illusion within an illusion...a trap within a trap. An illusion who was unaware of its own existence. An illusion carved with clay of truth.
So tired of running away and running behind. I sit down and recollect the memories. In search of reality I left every familiar soul and ran behind the one I didn't know a thing about except that it could lead me to reality. And here I am left alone with the past ..An achromatic past with a monotonous story of finding the truth and reality. A truth and reality which now is only an illusion. So, the past?..the memories?.. the struggle?... Useless. Now that past seem like an illusory island locked inside my head... A storm would be coming in this island and the sea wants to overflow but there is no key to unlock my mind and LET IT GO.
This is not my place and 'that' was never my place. The only reality that I have is myself. I know , only I know the phases I have been through, the illusion that lead me to bigger illusion which lead me to never ending series of traps. I am real but soon I'll be gone. I'll change so hard that mirror wouldn't recognize me.
For so long I believed it to be real and true. But even the heights of my love couldn't stop me from falling into the deep well of nothingness when the so called truth and reality unravel their self and laughed at me. For so long I fought with the mirror of myself to disapprove its point. But, I have only this one mirror so I went back to it to recompose my self to see the reality of situation but the mirror broke with a deep cut of hurt when it saw me shattered. Me and my mirror ..we cried and embraced our pieces for hours.
The truth and reality is that nothing is eternal even if it is the quest of reality. So, hopes, wishes, dreams, illusions, ideas, success, hatred, beauty, pain, artistry, government, defeat, skill, fame, expectations, phases of love, tears of rejection, you, me, people....... nothing is eternal.
One thing that lead me illusion is the denial of this fact.
The only person in the world who should never ever betray, cheat, hate, defeat, lose , and lie to you is yourself.
Why you expect anything from the people/world who are not sure of their own identity, who are not sure of the next step they are gonna take in their life. Why do you expect them to never cheat you? . Then the expectation is nothing but the denial of this reality : The only person in the world who should never ever betray, cheat, hate, defeat, lose and lie to you is yourself.
When you don't fulfill your expectations you learn.
When others don't you get lost in illusions and hurt yourself.
13 may 2011