awake.....

Train was leaving the station..

I tried to open my eyes but all I could see was dim light of lantern held by the chana wala. I couldn’t understand whether I was awake or dreaming. I tried to stand up by holding the handle of the berth but I fell back on the seat and the person sitting next to me flashed torch light upon me..the light entered into deep waters of my conscience and I was startled after what I saw in that light.......I fell into darkness….
deep darkness of nothingness, a depth with no end but only beginning …depth of the beginning..I kept on falling deep into the roots from where my soul emerged…. I cried…I cried helplessly..I tried to open my eyes I tried to move my body…but I could not……from far away..along with faint sound of train's engine I heard a voice reciting something……haan haan!!!! Haaan !!!!!! It was a familiar voice… The voice of a man I adored ……….he was reciting something …..the same thing!!!!!!!!!!….the same words which he occasionally recited in the lawn in those magical moments between tahajjud and fajr...…under the sky!... and the sky in those beautiful sacred moments looked like I could almost touch it and grab my share of the blessings from the supreme creator….

in those moments of silence, magic, tears, passion, pleasure, contentment .....lying on the floor of my room beneath the window I looked at the moon hidden behind the willow tree…..as a child I always wondered why the moon hid behind my willow tree?...maybe I was special!!!….mom said I was a special kid…. But I knew I was special…I knew maria, tabassum, aisha, Vicky……everybody ....each and every soul in the world was special…. I knew that .... but I couldn’t say it back to her and I always smiled to make her realize that she is important her comments no matter how immature I find them, are important and she is the only woman I love ……she never knew that I was addicted to recitation of this man….this crazy man who.....God knows for what reasons woke up in the middle of nights and display a versatile range of emotions …he sings he recites he observes… he cries…. He smile….he smile and cries……sometimes this man the first love of my life ,sat there and wondered for hours about the glory about the artistry with which each piece of an insect was carved….he wondered and he wandered….he was always a wanderer …a soul from the wild….a poet who wrote like rivers flow...like the mountain goats playfully climb the highest hills..... but I blame myself for being a chain in his way of freedom..he wont let me go because I was his responsibility and because he loved me. I was the love of his life a love which I knew he would never ever express in words….…!!!!!! but he knows that I know!!!!!! He knows that I know that he wont say a word about it and I know that he knows that I truly understand his feelings and love him back with the same intensity.......so he wanders but not in a physical way now………..!!!! ,

lying on the floor, I looked at the blue night the black tree and the round shiny moon hiding behind the willow tree……I never liked the moon for it reminded me of a melancholic feeling that I never experienced or that I fear experiencing …...it reminded me of a separation that I was denying for so long ….. it reminded me of gloom of sadness …it reminded me as if its the sole witness to a deep intense sad and passionate love story with a sad ending……..like a silent love story between a queen and a king...the king of east who deeply loved the queen of west but never expressed his feelings and the queen of west who understood each and every unsaid word of the kind of the east but thought that she might be a fool ..she might be wrong after all why would love an ugly lady like her? .....and on november's first night east and west fought their war and they killed each other and in those last moments where they could see their souls , they couldn't ignore the agony in each other's eyes ...and it was that moment!!! that moment within which they realized the truth.....!!!!!! and the moon was a sad witness...it couldnt do much except for hiding its face in the clouds..............so, moon reminds me of agony....I never loved the moon…….so here in my room lying on the floor beneath the window ....i remind myself that I don’t love the moon but it still looks at me like a mischievous child... half hidden behind a curtain and looking at me , craving for my attention….how could then I not smile at the moon? ….i smile at it and i smell the grass…the dew on the grass the fresh fog in the atmosphere …I inhale ..close my eyes and I hear him reciting in a low voice ………..

naala hai bulbul e shorida tera khaam abhi,

apnay seenay mey isi aur zara thaam abhi ...

pukhta hoti hai aql maslehat andesh ho aql,

ishq ho maslehat andesh tou hai khaam abhi...

apnay seenay mey isi aur zara tham abhi

beykhatar kood para aatish e namrood mey ishq ..

aqql hai mehv e tamasha e lub e baam abhi

apnay seenay mey isay aur zara thaam abhi...

ishq farmooda e qaasid pe subuk gaam e amal

aql samjhi hee nahi maa'ani e paigham abhi

apnay seenay mey isay aur zara tham abhi

……………………and with tears in his words I cry …I cry and I realize I am about to fall… about to fall into the depths of the darkness …….I hear him cry for me....!!!!! for his eldest daughter but I don’t open my eyes for if I fall into darkness maybe I could survive..... but if I open my eyes and look at his eyes ..i would be instantly shattered into a million little pieces ……never to be composed again.

zau fishan…

http://www.facebook.com/ZaufishanFay

Illusion

I woke up but found myself in the same battlefield. My feet heavy and my soul drown into the mad river of my tears. Escape is never the solution so I decided not to sleep and slip into escape until I have the solution. There is no dead end of this emptiness and now I am sure of that so I can not wait for something to happen and lead me to the dead end where I change my path and walk away.

In quest of reality how far have I come. I look behind and all I see are faces lost in illusion with no sense of purpose with no sense of reality with no sense of identity, lost in a pool of denial and absurdity. There is not a single soul with whom I could relate to. I try to run away from them so that I couldn't lose my identity and I try desperately to run behind the soul who appears to be somewhat like me but only to find that it was illusion within an illusion...a trap within a trap. An illusion who was unaware of its own existence. An illusion carved with clay of truth.


So tired of running away and running behind. I sit down and recollect the memories. In search of reality I left every familiar soul and ran behind the one I didn't know a thing about except that it could lead me to reality. And here I am left alone with the past ..An achromatic past with a monotonous story of finding the truth and reality. A truth and reality which now is only an illusion. So, the past?..the memories?.. the struggle?... Useless. Now that past seem like an illusory island locked inside my head... A storm would be coming in this island and the sea wants to overflow but there is no key to unlock my mind and LET IT GO.


This is not my place and 'that' was never my place. The only reality that I have is myself. I know , only I know the phases I have been through, the illusion that lead me to bigger illusion which lead me to never ending series of traps. I am real but soon I'll be gone. I'll change so hard that mirror wouldn't recognize me.

For so long I believed it to be real and true. But even the heights of my love couldn't stop me from falling into the deep well of nothingness when the so called truth and reality unravel their self and laughed at me. For so long I fought with the mirror of myself to disapprove its point. But, I have only this one mirror so I went back to it to recompose my self to see the reality of situation but the mirror broke with a deep cut of hurt when it saw me shattered. Me and my mirror ..we cried and embraced our pieces for hours.

The truth and reality is that nothing is eternal even if it is the quest of reality. So, hopes, wishes, dreams, illusions, ideas, success, hatred, beauty, pain, artistry, government, defeat, skill, fame, expectations, phases of love, tears of rejection, you, me, people....... nothing is eternal.

One thing that lead me illusion is the denial of this fact.

The only person in the world who should never ever betray, cheat, hate, defeat, lose , and lie to you is yourself.

Why you expect anything from the people/world who are not sure of their own identity, who are not sure of the next step they are gonna take in their life. Why do you expect them to never cheat you? . Then the expectation is nothing but the denial of this reality : The only person in the world who should never ever betray, cheat, hate, defeat, lose and lie to you is yourself.

When you don't fulfill your expectations you learn.

When others don't you get lost in illusions and hurt yourself.

13 may 2011

10:55

Zaofishan.

Identity

I didn't want to hurt the people...so I repressed and denied my own identity and Individuality for so long. Nobody was hurt for sure. But, deep inside I suffer everyday and nobody came for me as I faked it pretty well. Somewhere in the process of injuring and healing myself I lost my own identity. Moral: You know better.

- Zaofishan.